The Generous Marriage

Is generosity better than sex? That was at one time the title considered for this article.

Generosity helps all relationships, that part of the story isn't new or surprising. At the heart of the report is probably my favorite overall marriage scientist, John Gottman. I'm convinced there is no one on earth who's studied, or knows more about marriage relationships than him.

But marriages aren't all relationships. There is something more about marriage that makes an investment in that relationship mean even more to everyone around you...

The responses went right to the core of their unions. Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages. The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children.

Make parents happy, and the children are happier and feel more self-worth. Happier children make their friends happier, and grow up to be better socialized adults. For you causality buffs, you'll no doubt think, is happiness a product or a cause of generosity? Well, its both. Its like a nuclear breading reactor (the pun is not my own) where the more you let the reaction take place the more fuel is available for the reaction.

The noted marriage researcher John Gottman has found that successful couples say or do at least five positive things for each negative interaction with their partner — not an easy feat. 

“In marriage we are expected to do our fair share when it comes to housework, child care and being faithful, but generosity is going above and beyond the ordinary expectations with small acts of service and making an extra effort to be affectionate,” explains the University of Virginia’s W. Bradford Wilcox, who led the research. “Living that spirit of generosity in a marriage does foster a virtuous cycle that leads to both spouses on average being happier in the marriage.”

And where that reaction is fostered in the chamber of our natural relationships, the more powerful and efficient it is in socializing children.

Social scientists are now wondering if this virtuous cycle extends to children too. In a study of 3-year-old twins, Israeli researchers have identified a genetic predisposition toward generosity that may be further influenced by a parent’s behavior. Preliminary findings suggest that children with more-engaged parents are more likely to be generous toward others, which may bode well for their future relationships — and their parents’ too.