What to do about Same-Sex Immigration?

Michael Crawford over at Freedom to Marry notes that a gay couple is being forced to separate because of DOMA. Not just is their relationship at stake, but the care and livelihood of one of them. As Crawford reports, "Makk [an Australian immigrant] is the primary care giver for Wells who has AIDS." They were given a marriage license in Massachusetts. Crawford sites that "an estimated 40,000 bi-national same-sex couples in the U.S. many of whom are facing forced separation or deportation by the federal government".

Ultimately, I see the question behind the story as "what to do about same-sex immigration", not "why same-sex couples need to neuter marriage".

DOMA is specifically cited as the reason because, as the San Fransisco Chronical (who Crawford is reporting from) notes

The agency's decision cited the Defense of Marriage Act as the reason for the denial of an I-130 visa, or spousal petition that could allow Makk to apply for permanent U.S. residency. "The claimed relationship between the petitioner and the beneficiary is not a petitionable relationship," the decision said. "For a relationship to qualify as a marriage for purposes of federal law, one partner must be a man and the other a woman."

This is a sad situation. Much of democracy and self-governance depends on our ability to say, that would really be rotten if the federal government did that to me. If I had a spouse who had to leave me when I was in need of support and care, that would be really rotten. I would also say that it would be bad even if they were an aunt, best friend, son, father, or other mutually trusted relationship.

Why is it rotten to me? Because if I were in those shoes, I'd feel great comfort in having someone supporting me that I trusted and had a strong relationship with. I've seen so often in life how the right person's concern at the right time uplifts people in times that are scary and troubling. To know someone is there with you is comforting, and the more you know that person cares for you the more safe you feel.

There are two angles here that I think are important. The first is their petition to be recognized for their mutual support and trust, and the second is the media angle which casts them as in need of having their relationship recognized as marriage (which amounts to saying having marriage recognized as nothing more then that).

For contrast, lets look at another immigration case. One that has torn apart a family...

Considering all that had happened to her family in the past 24 hours, Aracely Carias is the picture of calm.
Her husband, Manuel Antonio Carias-Odonez, who had been president of the LDS Church's South Cache Spanish-speaking branch, was deported to his native Guatemala on Monday.
"They sent him to Arizona all chained up like he was a robber or something," Carias said in a telephone interview.

Here we have a family that is being torn apart because of immigration laws. The there is a much more complex tangling of relationships at stake,

The couple's youngest children, ages 18, 14 and 8, are worried about their father and about a future that will likely mean moving to Guatemala to keep the family together.
"It's really stressful, especially for my kids. They really need their dad," Carias said.
Carias-Odonez had been detained in the Weber County Jail on an immigration hold since May 20. He was released to federal immigration officials on June 9.

The man is a physician, and clergy, giving care and comfort to many beyond his family. Each of these relationships, if I were in them, would register to me as rotten to have them torn apart because of immigration laws. But none register more to me then the relationship of being a father and husband to a wife who is the mother of their children. Because, even if they aren't sick they are still in need of their father.

A marriage is petitionable. And while I would like to see both the same-sex couple and the family have special consideration by the immigration service of their support and mutual dependancy, clearly the family has the greater need of the two. The both strike the same chord, but not to the same depth.

Surely both couples have options for immigration open to them, and hopefully they have options that can stay together even if the US Immigration service has torn them apart. I wish them both the best in their pursuits to do so. Even so, the immigration service can be changed to recognize their situations with more mercy, and we should have an open debate about that in this country.

Would the same-sex couple be so scared of having their relationship recognized as a mutual trust and domestic support, and let the additional concerns mounted by situations like Carias-Odonez for their unique value for their children be recognized as well?

Yes, I'm asking if it came down to it, should we put Carias-Odonez situation in priority? Well you answer that for yourself. As for myself, I'd hate to have to make such a decision, I'd hate to hurt either of them. However, the latter is more tragic in my eyes because of the additional needs I see between the father and his family vs the couple for each other. If I were in their shoes gay or straight, I would gladly step aside to put the father ahead of me in line.

And that sums up my position on many of the benefits of marriage that same-sex couples claim they need to neuter marriage in order to get. Ultimately, I see the question behind the story as "what to do about same-sex immigration", not "why same-sex couples need to neuter marriage".