Dear Margo Apologizes For a Homofascist

It isn't like Dear Margo is supposed to be hard-hitting journalism, but too many people do take too much of what the column says seriously. So I had to take a look at this one headlined (and I have no idea if Margo herself chose this headline): "When You're Homophobic – Quietly".

Homophobic. So the letter writer must be irrationally afraid of homosexual people or homosexuality. Let's see...

"CN" wrote:

I am a 19-year-old college student. Though not politically correct, I disapprove of homosexuality.

The rest of the letter, as you'll see, implies that this disapproval is a disapproval of behavior, not feelings, and certainly not people. Disapproval is not fear. It is certainly not irrational fear.

Most people don't know I feel this way. I have no problem with gay people. I have a few close friends and many more acquaintances who are gay, and I support gay adoption, gays in the military, hate crime legislation, etc.

That doesn't sound homophobic at all. This person is gong along with all of the homosexuality advocacy agenda... except marriage wasn't mentioned.

But in all honesty I do think it is wrong.

Surely, freedom and tolerance and equality and all that mean this person is entitled to think that. Right? Or has all of the talk about freedom and rights been a smokescreen?

I am religious, and I disapprove, but I keep my beliefs quiet because I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.

One need not be religious to disapprove of homosexual behavior. But I do wonder which religion teaches disapproval of homosexual behavior and "don't make anyone uncomfortable".

I know my views are irrational, but pretty much all religious faith is irrational.

Ah. Well, I disagree there, if you drop the wiggle words "pretty much". The Bible repeatedly calls on people to believe because of evidence and reason, not despite it. I am called to a reasonable faith and to test all things. I'm called to love God with all of my mind. A religious disapproval of sex or sex-like behavior outside of marriage can be entirely rational.

Recently, another student and I met, and while we didn’t instantly become best friends, we ended up on a friendly footing. She is taking a French class that she’s not doing great in, so I, being fluent in French, offered help. The assignment was to take on a political issue facing America today; she chose homosexuality. More specifically, she wrote that there’s nothing wrong with homosexuality, and those who believe otherwise are small-minded bigots.

How big minded of her to know that there can't possibly be any people who aren't small minded bigots who could disapprove of homosexual behavior. Doesn’t sound like she is phobic at all, does it?

I was naturally a bit uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. She, however, wanted to engage me in a discussion about how my religion influenced my views on homosexuality. I tried to be brief, but she kept digging. Finally, I told her basically what I told you. She blew up and started ranting about how “people like you” are ruining America and Christianity is just an excuse to be hateful, etc. She also told our mutual friends that I am a bigot who hates gays.

So let's review. The writer does much to avoid making others uncomfortable, and the tutored student not only didn't mind making someone uncomfortable, but went on to slander the letter writer. So who is the disturbed person again?

Dear Margo's response:

Because you knew where she was coming from, you could have fudged, but instead you were intellectually honest and, given the situation, courageous.

I'll give Margo credit on that one.

I think your defense with your friends is to point out that your instinctive friendships have trumped your religious views, and to remind them that you have never chosen to discuss this.

I think fascism has trumped the writer's religious conviction. Perhaps the homophobia at work is fear of homofascists?

I find the young woman immature and confrontational, and I also get the idea that, in time, you will lose the views you have now because you know there is something wrong with them.

What's wrong with them?

"Mr. Wow" July 7, 2011 at 8:03 am is not a homofascist:

CN is not a bigot. I have a close female friend who is much the same. She supports civil rights for gays, but her upbringing stands in the way of feeling truly comfortable about it. She simply “doesn’t understand” the attraction between people of the same sex.

I wouldn't dream of condemning her for what–at this point, and maybe forever–she cannot fully embrace. And while I don’t avoid talking about my own life, I don’t hit her over the head every time we meet, talking “gay stuff.” There is so much more we agree on.

CN’s friend sounds more bigoted (and certainly more immature) than CN.

Wouldn't life be better if more people were like that?

"Koka Miri" July 7, 2011 at 9:43 am:

While I agree that the LW is not a bigot and that she handled herself appropriately (I find it mature that she recognizes she holds a prejudice yet still advocates civil rights – her friend asked and should have been willing to accept her answer), I find it a little sad that even you categorize anything you talk about as “gay stuff” and not “relationship stuff”.

Sorry, there is a difference between homosexual behavior and heterosexual behavior, and perhaps the homosexual subculture Mr. Wow is in and the general culture. Pretending there isn’t is erroneous denial.

"Messy ONE" July 7, 2011 at 8:05 am:

How can you truly accept someone’s friendship when, in the back of your mind, you are constantly judging them for something that’s not in their control?

Where does the letter writer imply that? I have friends who smoke cigarettes. I hate cigarette smoking. I don’t understand starting to smoke to begin with. But we’re still friends. I hear over and over again that some people are biologically predisposed to addiction. Doesn’t matter. I still don’t approve of substance abuse. But we’re still friends.

You either love your friends and accept them or you don’t. You can’t be a true friend unless you understand that being a true friend means that you have to accept everything about them.

So Messy ONE approves of each and every thing each of his or her friends have ever done? Each and every feeling they have?

"MKE" July 7, 2011 at 11:20 am had a great comment, ending with:

I am so tired of “open minded people” putting religious people down. I don’t see how you can consider yourself so progressive and accepting when all you are doing is juding a different group of people. Those types of people are guilty of exactly what they accuse others of. Maybe its time they grow out of THEIR stupids.

"A R" July 7, 2011 at 12:14 pm:

Hold on now, the way someone believes is the way they believe. I happen to believe it is wrong to eat animals or use their skins. However, 99.9 percent of my friends and family are NOT of my opinion. Does that make me a bigot who is only in hiding as I don’t approve of their lifestyles? MKE is right, you can’t choose how you feel and your beliefs evolve over your lifetime. What counts is how the person treats others. You can disagree with someone while still loving them or respecting them.

The discussion veers off to debating what the Bible says.