Marriage, Be the Best You Can Be: Focus on your responsibility, and your entitlement will follow

The army had a slogan once, "be the best you can be". An educator I admire used to say it in a different way, "be yourself, but be your best self".

In the Army your best self is needed and deserved by your fellow soldiers, and the country you are fighting for. The conflict gives many opportunities for sacrifice and heroism, and those that took those opportunities risked their future liberty to protect the liberty of others. May we all remember the lives of those who gave their best selves for us. I'm glad to be able to devote some of this post to that remembrance.

A friend of mine also calls today "Mom"orial day, not because he wants to sidetrack the meaning of the soldiers lives, or upstage them in the limelight of the day. It is a personal reason, because it was on Memorial day that his mother died. Others might call it the same thing if their mothers died in military service. But uniquely for him, unlike the soldiers who sacrificed whatever the future opportunities life brings, it isn't in death that she gave, it is in her life -- what she chose to do with her life. Is his personal limelight shared by soldiers and mothers something other than a common deep respect for both? If you ask me, I think both would be honored by being included with the other in his remembrance.



But if I may be allowed, I believe a great point can be made at how his limelight is shared can show some common respect for sacrifice and being the best you can be. After all, marriage isn't about getting the best you can get from the government, it is about being prepared to give and be the best you can be for your fellow human beings -- and from there the support of that sacrifice is all the more just.



As women grow up to be mothers, it is wise to seek out the best role models they can find even outside of their family. My wife, for instance, has her grandparents as a role model, along with the best that her parents could be. I too have people I consider great role models of interpersonal relationships, and combine that with the best my parents could be. Hopefully together that means my wife and I can become the best we can be.

However, I am sad to say that we still emulate our parents at their worst sometimes.

It takes considerable time and effort to unlearn those relationship patterns we saw played out over and over again in the home. Anyone battling to be the best they can be and willing to spend some time on this topic might do well to read the two "Go"to authors on this subject. Both are a genius of our time who's writings have done more for psychology than perhaps even Freud. How we learn our relationships with others touches into the emotional realms of our brain, which cannot be over-ridden by rational thought (see Daniel Goleman, "Emotional Intelligence"). Yet our rational brain can still influence and even re-make our emotional responses over time (see John Gottman, "Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work").

Unlearning and relearning is time well spent, because my wife and I take our responsibility seriously to be examples of what a husband and wife should act like. Because our children will be heavily influenced by our relationship, just like we were even if they say like my wife and I did in our childhood, "I'll never be like that". Marriage isn't about entitling the parent to raise their child, but slapping them on the back to get in the ring and be the best they can be -- because no one else is more deserving of that sacrifice then the children they created together.





Now, I don't suppose his Mother had the same issues or even the same degree of issues to overcome that my wife and I have. But knowing our common humanity, I have no doubt there were some, and I have no doubt from my friends devoted remembrance that she did the best, and she became the best she could be.

Imagine a world where before children were born, every couple who potentially created a child between them would enter into a compact to take the best of the relationships of their parents, and slog through making them even better, for the sake of improving with every generation the interpersonal training passed onto our children. And imagine that effort and focus stretching out for many generations.

Imagine if that compact included seeing each others contribution equally, and supporting each other with all of your strengths in able to be the best parents you could be. Imagine how that would teach self-worth to the children who share both of their identity, to see how much each other cherish and support what is unique to the others identity.

Nothing could be more universal, every child has a father and a mother by nature. Nothing could be more direct, the very people who share identity with the children are the ones who oversee the realization and value of that identity.

Imagine if that is what we meant when we said "marriage" -- that everyone in the opportunity to be a father (i.e. have a child) would want to be the best they can be, and the same with every mother, together, forever.

Being remembered, or any other special attention we give, may truly be not enough to compensate for their devoted sacrifice. But it is because we value what they sacrificed for that compels us to honor their efforts to be the best they could be. They took their responsibilities, and filled them the best they could in ways that are examples to us all. The honor and privilege and respect we give may not be full compensation, but it is fully earned.