My mother told me this story of a relative of my grandmother’s first husband. When the relative was young she lost her parents, and for some time my grandmother and my aunt raised her. My grandmother (widowed) and my aunt left for America in the 1940s, the cousin stayed in Greece. Her relatives though soon married her off to an old man against her choosing, my mother says the family was paid for the marriage.
With this old man, she had two daughters and again pregnant for the third time. The old man arranged that if the baby was a girl, that the girl would be sold off. And indeed that baby was female and pried away from her mother’s arms to be sold. Decades later after the old man died, the mother and two daughters search for the girl. They found her, but only to be rejected by her. She knew she was sold, it didn’t matter to know it was against the mother’s will.
Human beings are not made via contract and can not be sold, like they are with sperm/egg donors and surrogacy. Individuals are to be conceived freely through mutual love, not just agreement. People aren’t property, they’re people.
I will certainly agree one can not legislate love, but obligations arise from heterosexual expression of love that does not in any other any other relationship. The law has every right to promote an obligation by protecting the mother and father’s relationship with one another, since we know though logistics how babies are made. What makes it even more significant that even if one chooses not to marry, illegitimacy can not null out the obligation of supporting your own children in which the state will step in and take the extra steps to ensure that parents are being parents.
Civil law allows contracts for babies to be sold on the fertility market, but not a baby conceived from the conjugal act (married or not) to be contracted out to another for money and instead requires social services to have a guardian ad litem represent the needs of the child if adopted.
Clinics, donors, and surrogates are no different then the old man buying his wife and selling his child.
First off, I LOVE Opine-Ed. I'm also in my 20s, live/work in Los Angeles (in the entertainment industry) and the majority of my friends are ARDENT SSM advocates. Defending traditional marriage is not an easy thing to do in my position, but I've always found Opine-Ed articles to be very helpful, logical, and wise. I even link to blog posts publicly via facebook and tell people about this blog often.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm also an egg donor have done four egg donations. So I felt compelled to leave my first comment on this blog after reading this post. I obviously have mixed reactions to it. While I now more fully understand the biological complications of my previous decisions to donate, and do, on occasion, wonder if I made a mistake in doing them - the fact remains that I did do them.
From a donor perspective, I have always viewed donation more like ADOPTION. I did not want my eggs (at that time in my life) and gave them to someone else so that they may use it to have a child. Yes, money was involved, but only as compensation for pain and suffering; all donor contracts very explicitly state that compensation is NOT for any donated material. This may seem a mere technically, but those who donate egg, sperm, or embryos absolutely DO NOT SELL babies. It is akin to a birth mother being given money by the adoptive parents to pay for hospital bills, maternity clothes, etc. The adoptive parents are not actually paying for the child. The part of the post referrring to the selling of babies in donor/surrogate situations is incorrect.
Despite the above, I do agree with the author in some regards. Though I have only come to realize this after my days as I donor, I find myself conflicted with the modern ease of gentics-swapping to create "custom" individuals in a lab-based setting. I do agree that a society has a benefit to recognizing biological parentage...and that the government-recognized institution of opposite-sex marriage exists/has existed for the purpose of protecting the offspring of those relationships.
But I still strongly disagree that donors/clinics/surrogates are selling children and was disappointed to read this oversimplified wording used in an Opine-Ed blog post.
Thanks for you comments, I realize that from a donor's point of view my words can be harsh, comparing themselves to the old man when in your own view you see yourself as altruistic. We can't change what has been done already, but I really do stand by this position. Which is uncomfortable for me, because I live in the Boston area where people wait until longer so their is a market for donors. In one of my labor classes six years ago, there was a couple where the man was infertile and they used a donor.
ReplyDeleteAll of our body parts are sacred, but shouldn't our reproductive abilities even be held to a higher stander because it does involve a third party (the child)? We know the if donors/surrogates proceed there will be a person, with their own rights.
Even children of adoption search for biological parents, and want to know why/how they were given up. What prevented their mother from keeping then, did their father reject them?
Think about in any other donor situations, we can't be paid for a kidney or a part of our liver (even from the deceased). Donors in organ transplants or even bone marrow, can't not be compensated in any form in 'pain or suffering'.
AGOT - Thanks for reading and your kind words. I suspect there are more people in your business who can see our points than will publicly admit it.
ReplyDeleteAs far as egg donation, I know a recent multiple-time donor who has had a change of heart and won't do it anymore. She was doing it for money, for sure. But I do recognize that many egg donors do it because they look at it as helping someone.
Two of my concerns, and why I would never donate sperm and advise other men never to donate sperm, is 1) what is often done to "extra" embryos and 2) the possibility of creating a child who will, by custodial parent design, be raised without a mother or without a father.
Despite what our critics say, I don't hate egg donors. I don't hate same-sex couples or people who identify as LGBT. I have friends and acquaintances (including in the entertainment industry) in those categories who would be very surprised what I think. Why? They've never asked me, and I don't volunteer my opinion or advice when I can be reasonably certain it will do no good.
As for you, there is no reason to subject yourself to being ostracized. I've found it is very helpful to simply ask questions in a way that don't sound accusatory, or angry, or antagonize. ("Isn't it funny how different things go when your son has friends over than when your daughter has friends over?") If someone doesn't change their position, the question may at least get them to see that there are reasonable alternative considerations.
PW, Someone half-jokingly suggested I would be a good surrogate. Actually it was the nurse at the hospital after I gave birth to #4. As someone who has been pregnant and birthed four times over, the only way I could ever do such a thing was for the love of my own child. You couldn't PAY me to go through that. Going rate 20-30k. BTW
ReplyDeleteYeah, this is one of our more controversial opinions at Opine. We realize that.
ReplyDeleteI think its great that you gave people the gift of life. I think it is great that the whole arrangement went so well. I applaud you for your sacrifice.
Question, how do you feel about if those children ever sought you out to know more about their own heritage?
Thank you all for responding. Regarding my donations, FWIW, I have only donated to married, heterosexual couples, as I have always felt that it is important for a child to have both a mother and father (even if not biologically related). Additionally, I wrote into our legal contracts very specific permissions what can/can't be done with any leftover embryos, as this was also important to me.
ReplyDeleteMy main issue was with the word choice of "selling", since as Renee mentioned, most donors genuinely feel altruistic in their donations. Some donors also choose to donate without receiving any compensation at all, and I feel that it's an unfair assessment to universally label donors as "selling" children...even if the donors, like myself, do eventually realize that they may later regret their donations.
PW, I've never for a second thought that you guys hate egg/sperm donors (or at least I hope not - hey, I'm on your side afterall! :) )
On Lawn - I have considered this question many times, both before and after my donations. Personally, I have always been open to contact if the children are curious (not all donors are though), and have stated this in my contracts. While I can predict my feelings about a future meeting, I know that I can't really know how I will respond until/if it does happen. I imagine that it would be a similar, but not exact, experience to that of a birthmother meeting her grown children previously given up adoption. However, I think the difference would be that there is a different underlying assumption in egg donation: I did not give up the child, I gave up the egg specifically to the recipient mother (who in turn, actually carried/birthed the child). I completely consider the recipient to be the mother of the child, but I can't and won't be able to deny our biological relation either. Of course, I have no idea how the child will actually view our relationship; this is something that I just have to find out and see.
One thing though that I don't think gets enough attention in an egg donor's choice to donate is the impact it will make on the donor's OWN children. Though I do not have children yet, I do plan to and feel that it will be their right to know that they have potential half-siblings out there somewhere. I don't know how my children will feel about this. Which is why, as I stated above and in my previous comment, I do occasionally question my choice to have been a donor - however, I still don't equate donating with "selling".
Thank you all again for all the work that you, and the other contributing writers, put into this blog. It is definitely appreciated.
Thanks to your sensitivity to that.
ReplyDeleteI've known people who do give up their children to adoption. I appreciate their sacrifice, and recognize that they did what was best for their children.
We've wrestled here at Opine, quite a bit, over adoption. Its a good thing, but it can so easily go wrong. And even when it is good, there are some real sensitivities that need to be played to the ownership the children retain over their heritage and identity.
I think that the concerns that we raise here are warranted, because baby buying can turn children into a commercial enterprise. There is a warning in that. How to proceed with that warning, I do not have a good idea for myself.
I appreciate your personal insight so that we can all figure it out together.